It's not often I feel like vomiting when I exercise

I have only twice felt like vomiting when I exercise. Once when I was doing burpees (for the first and only time) and today when I was doing a boxing class.

I signed up this week for a 10-week group boxing class. The first class was today. Quite challenging for my coordination and I am basically a wuss so the idea of someone actually punching me is a tad scary. Not that I am actually going to punch somebody. But in the drills we did today you do different  punches with a partner. You hit the glove contraption they hold and then swap. Apparently we did 1000 punches. We also did press ups, tricep dips, bicep curls, planks (yes, on our toes), and ab crunches (100 of them). Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would like doing crunches but I was just so grateful to be lying on the floor!

So, one boxing class down and nine to go. If this doesn't get rid of my tuckshop/bat wing/CWA arms, nothing will.

I am not Sisyphus

Yesterday I did my weigh-in for Round 3 of 12WBT. I weighed in at 1.4 kgs more than I started Round 2. Yes, I acknowledge it is still a lot less than I weighed last year, and my ‘wall sit’ and the other fitness tests show that I am a lot fitter, but I am pretty down on myself for falling off the wagon so much so quickly. It only took three weeks to gain that weight. And what is worse I did it knowingly. Did I enjoy it? Well, yes, sort of. But in the back of my mind was my voice always saying to myself, “Why are you doing this to yourself?” The only thing I didn’t do was eat chocolate. It was like somewhere is those recesses of that complex mind I knew that if I succumbed to chocolate then that would be the end, the absolute end.

So why was my second round of 12WBT pretty much a dead loss? Believe me, I have given this some thought. I did too much travel. I wasn't organised enough. I set lousy goals that I didn't give enough thought to. I didn't eat clean and fresh. I just wasn't on board. I went through the motions. I wasted the opportunity of those 12 weeks - not completely, but close enough.

I managed my first three-week trip quite well. I never quite got back into the groove and when my second three-week trip came around I got complacent. My total 22 kilo loss is now 18.6 kilos. So I have some catch up to do. I take full responsibility for my lapse. I have also learnt a few good lessons from it and everything Mish says about getting organised, eating fresh and healthy and consistency being key is so, so true. So I am back for Round 3 and really excited about it.

It is crazy that I now have to again lose weight I have already lost. I feel like Sisyphus, who, in Greek mythology, was punished for chronic deceitfulness by being compelled to roll an immense boulder up a hill, only to watch it roll back down, and to repeat this action forever. A life made meaningless because it consists of bare repetition.

Sisyphys (1548-1549) by Titian

I don't want to keep losing the same kilos over and over again for the rest of my life. That is just plain stupid. And I am not stupid!

My goals for Round 3 of 2013 12WBT

Today I finished the second of the Round 3 12WBT pre-season tasks. I mention this because I didn't really put much effort into them in Round 2 and I vowed to put more effort into Round 3.

The first pre-season task is to identify those things that can get in the way of your success and to think of what you can do to stop them stopping you.

The second pre-season task is to set your goals for the short, long and longer term. Not only do you need to set your goals but also how you are going to go about achieving them. I first came across the SMART method for goal setting in the 1990s and I have used it on many, many occasions in my work life to set business goals. I have never ever used them in my private life. Unbelievable but true. I have no idea why but I do know that I short-cut these tasks in Round 2 and quite simply, I shouldn't have. That why this time I have put in the effort and have really thought about my goals and what I can do to help make it easier for me to achieve them. And this time I have included some rewards. I have also added in a 9 Month Goal because that is when the 24-hour MS Mega Swim is held and that, quite possibly, means even more to me than my personal body and fitness goals. That is because it pays forward the help, faith, friendship that my friend Peter extended to me when he started this whole thing off by getting me back in the swimming pool on 17 September 2012. What follows below then is what I have come up with. And believe me, it is harder to do than it looks!

TASK 1 “Get Real - No More Excuses”

Internal excuses
I am too tired.
I am too busy.

Solutions
Turn off computer by 7:30pm. Go to bed earlier so can get up and exercise. Make sure that I am eating good quality food so I have enough fuel to exercise. Just start. Doesn't have to be a mammoth exercise session each time. Don't over think it. Don't start negotiating with myself. Go into robot mode and just do it.

External excuses (within my control)
It is too hot/too cold/too wet to exercise.

Solutions
Plan my daily exercise sessions a week in advance so I know exactly what I am doing each morning. Make it easier for me to exercise. Keep gym and swim gear in the boot of the car so I just have to jump in the car and go to the gym/pool. Make sure there is healthy food in the house so I have good fuel for my exercise. Prepare the night before (food and exercise clothing) to make it easy to get out of the house in the morning.

External Excuses (Outside My Control)
My mother wants me for some thing that is urgent to her.

Solutions
Embargo my morning for me. Block out mornings in my diary. Don't put off my exercise until later in day as inevitably something will come up. Get my exercise done earlier and get it out of the way before other external pulls on my time have a chance to come up.

TASK 2 “Take Control - Set Your Goal”

1 Month Goals

• Lose 5kg
• Swim 200 metres butterfly non-stop
• Swim 300 metres freestyle in under 6 minutes
• Swim 1km freestyle non-stop in under 35 minutes

AND

• By 17 September 2013,  the 1-year anniversary of the day I got back in the swimming pool, to have lost a total of 30 kilos

How I Will Get There
Stick to calorie-controlled diet by following the 12WBT menus.
Go to Masters swim squad each week and swim two other sessions each week
Do gym sessions three times a week building up resistance and time on bike
Keep activity diary.

Rewards
Still to be decided

3 Month Goals

• Lose 15kgs
• Swim 1km freestyle in 30 minutes
• Swim 200 metres butterfly non-stop
• Hoist myself out of the pool using my arms

How I Will Get There
Follow 12WBT program
Undertake weekly Masters aerobic and endurance swim sessions
Have faith in my own ability and commitment

Rewards
New swimming costume
New gym shoes
Dexa Scan

6 Month Goals

• Lose 25 kilos
• Fit into new Trent Nathan dress

How I Will Get There
Steadily building my level of fitness to build more muscle and reduce percentage of fat and keeping to the 12WBT eating plan.

Rewards
Beauty treatment with the works
Dexa Scan

9 Month Goals

• Swim 10 kilometres in the 24-hour Mega Swim to aid people with Multiple Sclerosis

How I Will Get There
Follow 12WBT fitness and nutrition plan
Embrace changes as my lifestyle

Rewards
The satisfaction of achieving a goal I would never have previously contemplated
Dexa Scan

12 Month Goals

• Achieve goal weight
• Get BMI to healthy weight range
• Achieve elite level of fitness
• Wear sleeveless top with pride

How I Will Get There
Follow 12WBT fitness and nutrition plan
Embrace changes as my lifestyle

Rewards
Professional photo portrait
Buy new sleeveless outfit
Dexa Scan.

Due to popular demand ...

I got a message from a friend today that I needed to update my blog as I have much to tell. Well, indeed I do. We are now in Week 10 of Round 2 of 12WBT. My how time flies when you aren't having fun. I hesitate to say that I have thrown in the towel this round but it has certainly been up and down. An utter bloody rollercoaster actually!

In every trial in life there is a lesson to be learned. Trite but true. The lesson I have learned these past weeks is that the mind is a very powerful thing and it takes a lot of strength to beat it. Oh, and organisation is key.

Let me explain. I started off this round of 12 WBT spending three weeks Singapore and Thailand. Not an ideal start but I had planned this trip before I had even enrolled in Round 1. I was not crazy, food-wise, and did a fair bit of walking and some swimming, so came back in okay shape - no loss, no gain. I was pretty relaxed and happy with myself when I got back. That lasted about ten minutes.

 On my way back to my house I went to visit my 86-year-old mum. I walked in the door and got a big shock. In the three weeks I had been away she had lost a lot of weight (5 kilos we found out later). She was dizzy and not at all well. She had self-diagnosed and decided that the dizziness was due to wax in her ears. It took me a week to convince her to go to the doctor. Blood tests and scans followed. The resulting diagnosis of 'acute renal failure' meant an immediate trip to hospital. Of course, immediate trip to hospital does not mean immediate admission to hospital. She finally got a bed in the Emergency unit after several hours sitting in the waiting area. I left her at about 4am still wide awake with the adrenalin of it all. When I went back later that morning she was still in the bed but it had been moved to the corridor along with three other patients. She quite enjoyed it there as there was lots going on, including a high-pitched aria being sung by someone in the Mental Health Unit next door. A full 24 hours after arriving at the hospital she got admitted to a ward. Somewhere in all that her prescription spectacles went missing, never to be seen again. For the next week I was back and forth on a circuit from my home to her house to pick up the paper, do the washing, to the hospital and back again - and again and again. I only have recall in the fog of fatigue of eating hot chips with gravy in the hospital café and topping up on coffee to keep me going. Constantly on the move. No time at all to do much except keep going on the circuit of to her home, back to my home, back to her home, back to the hospital, visits to lost property to try and track down her spectacles (with no success - apparently spectacles often go missing), and making phone calls to various people updating her on her progress, cancelling appointments, making others, and trying to find out what on earth was going on.

I will spare this blog the details of the rest of this saga except to say that amongst all the stress and exhaustion, I had an epiphany. I still had the 'burnt chop' syndrome. I was continuing to put my needs after others' wants, needs and requests. Once again I was running around like a mad woman. I had a mother, who because she was stubborn and refused to let others help (except me, because then she could pretend to herself that she didn't help because my help didn't count) was in hospital, seriously ill and still insisting that she really wasn't sick. It was when one of the many people who came into her room, but never really explained what they were there for, asked her whether she had an help at home and whether anyone made contact with her on an almost daily basis, and she replied, "Oh, my daughter calls me occasionally." WTF? I visited her every day and would often be there for 8, 9, 10 hours. I took her to all her appointments. I paid all her bills for her. I did her tax return each year. I cleaned her fridge. I took her shopping every Sunday. I rang each afternoon if I hadn't been able to get over to visit her. And she was describing it as that I rang her occasionally. I was so hurt. But rather than feel angry, I felt hurt. Profoundly hurt.
So I wrote her a letter. I wrote it in big letters so that she could read it. It went for over 3 pages as a result of my ginormous writing but was really only quite short. I said that I wanted to help and had no problems with helping as I respected her wish to stay in her own home but I was hurt by her telling others that I only visited occasionally. I told her I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. I needed time for myself. And I didn't want to take on the role of house keeper. I told her we had the resources to get in outside help and despite her telling me that it wasn't necessary, I felt that it was indeed necessary and it was necessary for ME. As I needed the help. I said that I respected her decisions but I did not be complicit in her decision to refuse all outside help. And I told her that I would not be visiting every day and nor would I would be doing as much as I had before. I respected her decision and she now had to respect my decision to claim back my life and take care of myself.

And like any obsessive compulsive, I took that to the extreme. What followed was too much rest and not enough activity. Too many rewards and treats because, damn it, I am worth it! So week by week my Wednesday weigh-in became a battle - up in weight one week, back down the next, up the week after. A few good days here, a few bad days there. I had also agreed to edit a book so that also became a useful excuse for sitting around. I did get back into the pool and I did start back in my BodyPump class but after a gap of nearly five weeks without lifting weighs I increased the weights on my bar too quickly and tore a muscle in my arm (well, I think it is a tear - like my mother I have self-diagnosed!). So, as I wrestled with the guilt about my mum, the pain in my arm, and the chaos that was my own house, my life felt like it had become the 3 M's - Mum, Muscle and Mess. And all the drama was in my head. Sure, I had a few practical problems going on (my 3 M's) but the biggest battle was in my head. I was feeling absolutely and completely overwhelmed. I am not someone who cries easily (except in Lassie movies, that is) but I felt like crying. I knew that things needed to change. I had hidden so much of my trauma and turmoil for so long. I decided that I needed to get my head in order, my house in order, in fact my whole fucking world needed to be put in order. In the way these things happen, in the middle of all this muddle I read about an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder trial being run by Swinburne. I decided to apply for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

And for the first time in my life I told some friends about my OCD. At first they thought I was joking. They soon realised I was serious when I told them about the trial I had seen and how I was going to apply to participate in it. So I did apply and after hours of phone interviews I have just been advised that I have been accepted into the 12-week trial. Another 12-week program!

They have described me as a high achieving/high functioning OCD sufferer. What this really means is that I battle every day to function in society. I succeed but it is at a cost. Yes, I have been successful. I have a Masters degree and two other post-grad qualifications. I have held down demanding full-time jobs. I juggled working with post-graduate study while bringing up a child by myself with no financial or other support from his father (but that is another story). I have taken on the caring role for my parents without qualm. I do volunteer work. As they say, if you want something done, ask a busy person. I just keep on keeping on like the Energiser bunny. And to do this I have to fight my demons every single day. There is no day's reprieve. It is tiring and when it is combined with a period of muddle and chaos like I have just gone through, it is utterly exhausting.

So now, somehow, it is now the middle of Week 10 of 12WBT and I say this out loud but not proudly - I haven't progressed much in Round 2. And I take full responsibility. I have taken no measurements except in pre-season. I have not done the fitness tests in Weeks 1, 4 and 8. I have achieved less than a kilo loss. I am not too happy about that but I am not too sad about it either because a loss is a loss - and let's be straight up about this, I have just eaten too much food and too much of that food has been fatty and salty, high energy food. It may be science, but it is not rocket science, and it is not hard to understand: Take in more energy than you expend and you gain weight. Eat less and you lose weight.

 Am I doing Round 3? Yes, I am! So, now I have two different but simultaneous 12 week challenges coming up. An interesting time ahead that is hopefully going to make life and all its mess and muddle a whole lot easier in the future. I am excited!

And I will start Round 3 with the same degree of excitement I felt about Round 1 and with a lot more knowledge about myself. I feel good! Now I just have to set those goals, milestones and rewards.

Week 1 of Round 2 of 12WBT

Well, this week has a been a bit of a write-off. I came down with a bug on Mother's Day on Sunday which I tried to ignore until I couldn't any more. Now have a nasty cough and still have a headache and a bit of a temperature. And no exercise since Sunday. I probably shouldn't have gone to the pool on Sunday when I wasn't feeling "quite right" but I was worried about using it as an excuse and I followed the mantra of JFDI.

This is the first time I have been sick since I started on my exercise regime and started eating more healthily. And you know what, after nearly 8 months I thought I was immune. Wrong, wrong, wrong. But it has given me cause to think about why I got sick now (and not doing any exercise for 5 days gives you time for that!).

I think it was more related to stress than anything else. The physical stress of my mega swim together with my mum who has been a bit of hard work this past week, and getting organised for an overseas holiday, combined with knowing I needed to have a scan for a lump in my breast has taken its toll (scan yesterday, have lump, not a cyst or anything worse - still waiting on the formal report but appears to be okay).

I KNOW that stress is a problem with me.
I KNOW I get anxious.
I KNOW that if I get anxious I get sick.
But I still repeat it over and over and over.

And ever so closely related to that is that I don't sleep well at the best of times. And when I am stressed I sleep even more badly. Quite simply, for the past few weeks I have not been getting any where near enough sleep.

My old habit of going to bed really late - really, really late - has crept back in. And I need to fight that. I know what I need to do - I need to put my iPad away by a reasonable hour (which as I write I am trying to work out what that would be - but I am going to say 8pm) and then relax and go to be BEFORE MIDNIGHT. Prefereably well before midnight. Then I won't wake up in a fog - but more importantly, I won't get sick. Sounds so easy ...

One week until the start of Round 2 of 12WBT

Round 2 of the 12WBT starts next Monday. I have been thinking about a few things, particularly what goals I need to set for the next 12 weeks and also how I am going to handle weeks 2 to 4 when I am in Singapore and Thailand.
I have put in my diary all the necessary reminders and I will take a print-out of the exercise plan and do some of those exercises every day in my room as well as planks and push-ups.

I have also made sure that each hotel has a swimming pool. The only problem with that is hotel pools are usually quite short which makes it practically impossible to do any good distance. I am thinking that the way to get around that is to do butterfly which is more intense that freestyle. That should scare the neighbours and clear the pool pretty quickly. And I will try water running.

Each hotel also has gym equipment but they are usually pretty ordinary and I really don't want to be locked away in one. The hotel in Chiang Mai also says it has free bicycles for guests to use. Given that I have only ridden a stationary one that might be an interesting experience. And of course there is also walking - not my favourite exercise but tolerable when combined with shopping! I am just going to have to mix it up.

It won't be as easy as it is now when I just go to my gym class or swim squad and an hour or so later it is done and dusted. I also need to try and eat clean and healthy as much as possible and that is going to be a big challenge as when I travel I go into mad holiday mode and eat pretty much everything!

I am also have to hunt down scales each Wednesday. I hope each hotel will have some I can borrow. And I hope that they will let me take them to my room. I am not sure that nude and after a wee would be appropriate viewing in a hotel foyer!

New dress

I have just purchased this Trent Nathan dress (Speckled Ponti in Emerald and Black) for when I hit my goal weight.

Will take while which is why it is a winter dress - planning on fitting into it in winter 2014!

Slow and steady ...